[08 Jan 2005|11:39pm] From now on all journals will be only for friends. dont like it? bite my shiny metal ass.. so shut the fuck up, and dont ever come on my site unless i know you.. and guess what.. i think most of you are nothing but shit. gg Dunpeal > you 9 comments|post comment

... [09 Oct 2004|10:58pm] When i saw my friends recently, i never wanted to leave everything seemed so perfect, we were just laughing having fun doing the shit i miss so much. i miss my brothers and i hate how i am so far away, we are so far away from each other. I see them once in awhile .. i work and go to class.. i have no social life, my roommates are cool, but they are not my the family i miss. Even when two weeks but endless shit between class and work they made everything fade away. i am so alone and so far away from everyone.... even when my roomies wish to go and do shit i dont want to .. my anti-social tendencies just keep me in the room where i sleep playing on the computer all the time, i sleep on the floor in the corner i would say 3 feet by 7 feet.. my lower back throbs every morning, and my knees feel like they are going to burst when i go up the steps and my glasses are broke.. i have no money.. this is bullshit.. im sick of complaining.. 2 comments|post comment

.... [28 Aug 2004|11:16am] and i .. Just didnt want to know.. just didnt want .. .. just didnt want to know, best to keep things in the shallow end.. ive never really quite learn how to swim.. and i just didnt want to know, I am confused about it all and i just dont know what i am to you, you say one thing but your actions and eyes tell me different. <3 I Feel So Alone <3 3 comments|post comment

... [26 Jul 2004|12:26pm] It's to hard to tell you what i really am, im crossed between what i want to be and i see, the simple reality is that i dont want to be who i am, and in this grand scheme of things is this all i am meant to be? All i do is the same usual thing every day, maybe im just to affraid to bend the truth for myself to boost the confidence so i dont seem like im just another thing in this existance... I see what i want to be, but then i look in the mirror and realize its all just fantasy, so i make do with what i have been given it isnt much but then again ive never been one to recieve those heart felt words that most get. 2 comments|post comment

... [27 Jun 2004|10:14pm] Follow the pedals from the blossom tree, with the sound of the snow moving underneath your feet, there you shall see in the forest my dead body. It is nothing more than what it sounds, just a body stiff and cold and blue. My lips are pale blue with snow shavings across my face stuck in my hair. I am a fool to think anyone would ever come to see my grave. I am dead to you <3 2 comments|post comment

... [19 Jun 2004|11:46pm] ...What am i supposed to do now? I thought i had something so real, she was dressed just for me, I thought i had something so real, I guess I was living a dream following my heart that fell right infront of me, She is making me sad. I am so alone <3 post comment

... [04 Jun 2004|11:53pm] It is a lossing battle that I feel inside, I am powerless in the controless enviroment, and Im lost in the dark everything is so confusing, the days seem so long when I do not talk to her, the days seem so empty, I do not know what to make of anything anymore, She has turned my world upside down, no longer is my life just plagued by work and school but she is my third dimension that i believe i have been missing.. Ive really not liked anyone, It is as if i never really wanted to waste my time in someone that i knew was never going to be mine, mine for as long as i can breathe air... I thought once i had found her but alas she wasnt there anymore and i moved on, it was a hope and dream i thought she had forgotten about me but aparently I was mistaken and i put the "knife" in her back, and for her i just want to say i never wanted to hurt you, but our lives are too different and without the communication it just isnt there and i am sorry to ever break your heart... Now I have someone else and I am beyond the borders with her, i have crossed enemy lines with my gun on the ground and my hands up so helpless surviving on the faith that my enemy will put her arms around me and tell me "I love you." Am I asking to much? Am I asking to little? Am I here because you love me? Am I drowning myself in words waiting for you to just wrap your arms around me.. can i be happy? Will you let me be your everything? I hand you the gun and so could you pull the trigger to end this.. end this dream that could be a reality... I am hopeless in this world. 1 comment|post comment

... [22 May 2004|10:12pm] Did I fuck up...Did I make you run away? Please don't let me go, Falling away from me, I think I lost you, did i ever have you? Please dont let me go please just take me with you Dont sign off just yet, I want to know, have you ever felt the same... have you ever felt like running away I dont care what they say, I dont care how they say it, I miss you when i close my eyes, I miss you when i wake up, Look into me and tell me you love me once again.. i love you 2 comments|post comment

... [17 May 2004|10:38pm] Drip, drip, drip picking sticks in the rain, twilights of the gleaming horizon, visualized as the drops pass the eye, rainbow bright of the reflection of dreams, fallen to the ground only to be split out, dragged amongst the ground, hearing the shatter of flesh, pissed down the drain, do not feed me your propaganda i have sowed my ears shut throwing the leaves against the wind, [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<font [...] something,>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <font color="6666FF" font=tahoma size=10>Drip, drip, drip picking sticks in the rain,<font color="3366FF"> twilights of the gleaming horizon, visualized as the drops pass the eye,<font color="0066FF"> rainbow bright of the reflection of dreams, fallen to the ground only to be split out,<font color="6666CC"> dragged amongst the ground, hearing the shatter of flesh, pissed down the drain,<font color="3366CC"> do not feed me your propaganda i have sowed my ears shut throwing the leaves against the wind,<font color="0066CC" drowning the existance of nothing to find nothing of something, confusion is master in the world of chaos,<font color="0066CC"> followed by the strings of violins as the tides wash away our sins, enchanted is the mystery that devours nothing.</font> 2 comments|post comment

... [16 May 2004|04:42pm] Look at the big picture... when I look at the big picture all I see is me working just so I'm not poor out on my own. I can't look at the big picture because I don't see in the future.... Ya sure im going to school for this and that just so i have a future.. but what good will it do me if all i see is the negative... all I seem to be doing lately is work/school, no time for friends no time for me to just hang out, no time to be with anyone. I question myself to see if this sacrifice of 1 to 2 years of my life is really going to put me in the position of what i want. Do i really want a big house with nice things inside.. sure who doesn't... to be honest i rather just be mediocre for now just so i can be with my friends more often.. the friends that i have no are poor subsitutes to my brothers. These poor friends are video games and tv, once in awhile they are good... but I would rather be goofing off with my friends... is it so bad for me to doubt everything ive fucking done so far.. and what have i done so far... completed high school and got my Associates Degree.. but big fucking deal when this world expects more... do my friends expect more.. no... am I already tired of this pressure... yes, I fill myself with doubt and maybe people see that in me and so who would want to be around someone thats pestimistic? Perhaps I am over exagerrating things perhaps I should see that what I am doing is because this is what I want to do and that I have to sacrifice in order to gain more in the end. So, I spend all my time on the computer doing things like this livejournal and video games and just talking to people online, is my existance really that pathetic? No. post comment

... [14 May 2004|11:34pm] So, I sit here... thinking about people I talk to, and to tell you the truth people talk to me on AIM as much as they do in real life.. which isn't much because nobody really wants to talk to me.. not even the girl that claims she likes me.. Am I that boring? Am I that uninteresting? Am I not hot enough, not cool enough, is it because of the way I talk.. the way I think.. or is it just me? I really don't understand what the fuck I'm supposed to think.. I really wonder if people just talk to me despite me, to pity me, or because they are just being nice people... well you know what.. I rather have brutal honesty than a fucking fake, I'am just a fatality in your eyes. You don't even acknowledge my existance anymore, I have become nothing to you, except someone that asks questions and all you do is answer with one word... if it is going to be like that then fine.. I give up, from now on if I am wanted and you got my screen name then you can message me, no longer will I message anyone.. nobody gives a shit anyways... so what the FUCK am i supposed to think.. I am nothing to you.. just a trigger pull away from happiness <3 2 comments|post comment

... [11 May 2004|05:12pm] so yeah go fuck yourself.. post comment

... [08 May 2004|09:35pm] Sometimes I sit here wondering why I am still alive. It is though I have accomplished nothing and that life is just here for us to experience. As though there was a possible journey for us to continue in our death. Would it be possible that there is something more than death itself, and that the only way we can examine or have any conscience of it we would have to die. Whether, you believe in Heaven and Hell, or that their is nothing once you die; it doesn't really matter because the only thing we seek as humans is the mystery of things we do not know of. There are those that would not search in the mercury waters for truth because their world revolves around what they know now such as Christians, Catholics or any religion because they believe in God and that they have a destiny in heaven. What if life isn't our only destiny? What if death is just the door way for us to live beyond what we know and past that of Heaven and Hell? For example.. let us say you lived your life here on earth and now you have died, but you don't immediately go to Heaven or Hell.. but somewhere else thats adjacent to death. Apart from all reality and science that we know, where our bodies are vessels, and our brains are collecting information so that when we die at any given time the information is collected for something much greater than we can possibly concieve. I know its just ramblings but have fun reading it even though I know maybe only 2 people that would possibly read it.. and heres another poem that makes no sense and sucks the dick... Its been so long I’ve felt like dying in your arms, Stripped down and left naked on the ground, I have nothing to give to you and nothing of me is good enough for you… Follow the leaves upon the ocean of stars twinkling the twilights of my dreams.. Feeling something so real.. where I am to you.. I will be nothing without breaking… I just cant believe I will die alone… so I’m out on my own redefining what I am.. so confused twirling to find myself.. murdering my eyes so I can see something new.. Suicide behind the white lies of happiness dressed down the sickness of this.. When I look into your eyes I see that I am nothing… When I look at your smile its only because you pity me.. When I see your tears its only because of something I have done.. Murder me now, suffocating into the ocean I will drown with your sorrows.. post comment

... [07 May 2004|12:30pm] Thanks is in order to Steph and Nick for this little journal. Hmm, let me bore you with crap that you wouldn't care about. I bought a car today because my other one felt like throwing its piston rod through the engine, and so now I have a 97 honda civic.... yes a fucking civic even though there is a million of them I couldn't beat the price and mileage. Plus its easy to maintain and upgrade. Yes I am known as Dunpeal throughout the land, and on video games such as CS I am known as fU | Dun, so if you see me.. know that your life will end... Pathetic how I am already refering to a video game.. do I care? No, why? because I am Master. Now here is a stupid poem I wrote. Formless Clouds shutter the tears of the wind that drafts along my skin, my only fear is the fear of not having someone else that delivers my nameless emotions, beyond the drought of my thoughts to the well that swirls my memories, stand with me and hold my hand the only thing keeping me alive is the blackened night, the moon empowers the spineless smile that sits upon the mirror, giving you a taste to bathe with me vulnerable and acceptable to the plaques of the judges, the masses that crowd the hisses of the snakes once only I was bitten and from there, i hear only my drum beat to the rhythm of leaves blowing, falling from the autumn skies, it is that of an eruption surpassed by only my thoughts of hesitation, Break away from the shattered drawings of these short comings, its negative impulse delivers myself out of nothing to something, resistant to what has to be the sun appearing over the mountain this is my dying winter post comment

♥ True Gansta [06 May 2004|09:43pm] Happy Birfday gansta Joshypoo come to Massachusettes and i'll give you a real good birthday : ) xoxo. post comment

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